The Constant Shadow

I've finally admitted to myself that my depression is going to come and go no matter what I do. I'm just going to have to find a way to deal with it when I'm in the throes. Being so self-critical doesn't help, but that's probably part of the whole deal anyway. For the last three days I've been on the verge of and in tears for no discernible reason. Again, that's part of it. I've been on the same anti-depressant for about 10 years, and it may be time to try a new medication. I have a doctor's appointment for something else today, so I'll see about a referral.

I haven't been helping myself either with reviewing a number of terrible decisions I made in my life, decisions which kept me from having it quite a bit easier now. It's almost as if this dark thing feeds on itself, on every negative thing I can come up with about myself. It's akin to being eaten alive from the inside. This is not a matter of just complaining. This is just what is, and maybe writing about it will give me some little relief. I know that living one day at a time is the answer, but for now all the days seem to run together from past, present, and the awful projections I make for the future.

One thing I do know. Feeling this way is certainly not something I would've chosen, and if I knew how to rid myself of it all, I would certainly do so. For those of you who've never been clinically depressed, have patience with anyone you know who is.