However,

Since I am utterly human, I reserve the right to change my mind. Writing in my blog today is an example of changing my mind. About 2 months ago, I got the silly idea that I needed to "move on," whatever in hell that means, so I decided to abandon "Above Sunset Boulevard" and create a new blog. However, as I see it today, I was simply full of crap, as I've so often been. I did live 2 blocks above Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles for almost twenty years. And I have accepted that Los Angeles was, is, and always will be my spiritual home. Even if I never return to L. A., it is my spiritual home. Therefore, "Above Sunset Boulevard" will continue after its recent absence.

I am truly weary. I don't know if I've ever been so tired. Having my wife almost die twice this year has been a terribly trying and tiring experience. I doubt if you can know how I feel unless you're hit with one disaster after another in such short order. First she attempted suicide, and spent ten days in a psych ward. Soon she suffered acute kidney failure and underwent emergency dialysis. And while she was in hospital for her kidneys, congestive heart failure was discovered, which required heart bypass surgery. Add to this that I'm also experiencing clinical depression and recently spent seven days of my own in the psych ward, and you might possibly understand just how difficult life has been for a while. Add to all this that I had spinal surgery for a degenerative condition in December 2005 and that I spent fifteen days on a respirator in February 2006 for a near fatal lung infection, and you might just begin to understand why I feel as I do. Whew! Oh, and I had two heart attacks in 1999.

I admit to good fortune, however, in one or two areas. I now attend a senior outpatient program for old nuts like me on 3 days of the week. It's the first time I've ever voluntarily connected myself with anything that included the word "senior" in its title. I always thought that I wouldn't be comfortable with a bunch of old people. But I am one! And I've fit in quite well, thank you. It has made my life somewhat more pleasant over the past few weeks. I'm just hoping that this isn't just a temporary palliative but a sea change in my emotional life. I want to feel better all the time, or at least most of the time. This program has allowed me to feel better at least 3 days per week.

I also visited my new therapist for the first time this week, and it was a generally pleasant experience. He was visibly affected by what has happened to us in the last few years, as it does sound awful when I detail our lives over that time. In fact, going over all of it again wore me out. The therapist saw it happen before his eyes and cut our session a little short, and I had to come home and lie down.

Finally, if you come upon this blog, please put my wife and me in your good thoughts. We have nobody to help us, and we could use your good energy, prayers even, if that's what you do. I have little choice but to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward, no matter how slowly. I can't let myself despair again. Help us with your good thoughts and prayers.
Thanks.